The Vegas monorail as viewed from one of the many MGM parking lots. The construction crane in the background is for "The Residences" condo project, on MGM property.
New Orleans, Las Vegas, Atlanta, Now Houston * Productive Blogging Through Unemployment/Unproductive Blogging Though Employment * Moderately Entertaining, Occasionally Spell-Checked
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
I'll be Wearing a T-Shirt and Dress Jacket
It's a good time to be around. As a fan of the internet I find it an intriging collection of detritus and inspiration. So with the first real article of this site, I promise one thing. High fashion writing at thrift store prices. Here's what I mean...
On the Inside Higher Ed website, this article talked about blogging in Iran. In response to reading many Arabic weblogs, author Seyyed Reza Shokrollahi published his reaction, The Vulgar Spirit of Blogging": On Language, Culture, and Power in Persian Weblogestan. Like many in the West, he sees the online world as a tempest that is erasing remaining cultural niceties and opening up the whole world to barbarians with computers and bandwidth. True enough. But the article quotes an unnamed blogger as saying...
“Keep mistaking this place as a literary conference when others consider it to be an informal and safe place for chatting. Come sit down wearing a suit and tie and mock those who are wearing jeans.”
But only at this time of the internet could vulgarity be so damn entertaining. Courtesy of Dwanollah, the joy of Fametracker :: The Farmer's Almanac of Celebrity Worth is now mine. Embracing the profane and the vulgar was this member's board discussion on Jesus. It starts with the comment and invitation, "I heard he hung around with prostitutes. Discuss." The discussion board is no longer available, but the postings were archived by someone else who loved it (which is why I copied the entire text, see the end of this article), and the ephemeral nature of the internet may mean this bit of crowd-generated profanity goes away for good. But the very fact that a whole collection of strangers meet in one place and wrote some of the best humor I have read in a long time just reaffirms that my optimism about most things is well placed.
So, I will try write well, write for laughs and write somewhat often. I'll be the one wearing a t-shirt and dress jacket when ever I do.
***********************************************************************************************
And now for the blasphemy. . .
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FT Forums > Celebrities > Jesus
Posted by: Dr K Noisewater Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:36 pm
I heard he hung around with prostitutes. Discuss.
Posted by: Evan Ness Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:36 pm
Oh, JESUS.
Posted by: CagedRage Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:37 pm
This guy ROCKED. Walked on water and liked the wine. He was far out.
Posted by: Sleestak Hunter Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:37 pm
He was so cool in The Bible. It gets a little slow in the middle but the end is really intense. "I am the Alpha & the Omega!" (shudder) Still gives me chills.
Posted by: Bianca Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:37 pm
Total famewhore.
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:37 pm
Biggest.Famewhore.Ever.
Posted by: CagedRage Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:37 pm
And I liked how they left the ending kinda open for a sequel.
Posted by: Gwendy Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:38 pm
Gay.
Posted by: riotgirl7284 Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:38 pm
I'm so sick of Jesus being shoved down my throat all the time. Every time I go to church or open my bible, or even listen to Christian radio, I hear about Jesus and how great he is. I can't take it anymore! What a famewhore.
Posted by: Opus Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:39 pm
Did anyone see him on Jimmy Kimmel or Sharon Osbourne's show? What was he like?
Posted by: CagedRage Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:40 pm
I hear he's pissed because Mel Gibson didn't consult him when he made The Passion.
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:40 pm
Word, riotgirl7284. Can't I just pray in peace without Jesus always breathing down my neck??
Posted by: bellyache Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:40 pm
Really?
Posted by: CagedRage Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:43 pm
I also hear he’s Jewish but he hides his ethnicity with that Spanish stage name.
Posted by: Naffy Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:43 pm
Leave him alone, http://www.carm.org/questions/Jesus_age.htm. Forever.
Posted by: Janie Jones Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:43 pm
I hear the apostles have a beef with this rival crew led by these dudes called Pilate and Herod. And the dude's got a temper. He smashed up the moneylenders' booths at the temple and shit. Total aggression issues. Except then in interviews he goes on and on about peace and love. I think he smokes a lot of pot.
And my reliable insider sources (I'm a friend of a friend of the Virgin Mary's cousin once removed, and she heard it straight from the Holy Spirit) tell me that he's going to dump that Mary Magdalene ho (who is a total gold digging famewhore) and go for J.Lo. He's been sending her frankincense and everything.
Posted by: baggylettuce Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:44 pm
Sometimes I doubt Jesus' commitment to Sparkle Motion.
Posted by: Blow Monkey Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:44 pm
JESUS WILL NOT TAP DANCE FOR YOU!!!
Posted by: Falafeloloofah Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:47 pm
You know he was never married.
Because nobody disappears for three fucking days and gets away with it.
Jesus comes home, walks into the kitchen. There's all this shit in the yard, the cross, etc.
"Where have you been?"
Jesus: "I was dead."
"Dead, huh? Why didn't you call? Where's those twelve losers who won't get a job?
"They're my disciples, honey! They're not losers!!"
"They're losers!"
I was dead honey, I learned to reanimate dead tissue into life and cross back into the mortal realm! Oh, I'm sorry, next time I die I'll call first, you fucking bitch!!! Auuuuuuugh!!!"
Posted by: queenbee Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:47 pm
I liked him before he was popular.
Posted by: Dwanollah Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:48 pm
Heck, I was into Jesus when he was still underground.
Posted by: Evan Ness Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:48 pm
I also hear he’s Jewish but he hides his ethnicity with that Spanish stage name.
I'm so sick of people saying that I have to support him because I'm a Latina. First of all, I'm not a Latina, but more importantly, there are lots of famous Latinas that I can look up to that won't make any controversial stands. Conchita Farrell, for instance.
Posted by: bellyache Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:49 pm
Jesus father impregnated my friend.
Posted by: Slash Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:49 pm
Sort of cute. A little too hairy for my tastes though. YMMV.
Posted by: Naffy Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:51 pm
There are pics in the Celebrity Endowments thread. Nice, if you're into cut guys.
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:51 pm
Whatever, guys...it's obvious you are all just jealous that Jesus is sitting at the right hand of God. Haters, the lot of you! Get a life.
[ot] Anyway, I'm gonna link my Amazon wishlist here. I totally want a Roomba, so please, someone buy it for me. Thanks. [/ot]
Posted by: lisacurl Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:52 pm
Want to touch the hiney.
Posted by: GreenMary Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:54 pm
OMG. Is noone sacred anymore?...
I'm a fan. Love him. Do I have to turn in my Ft card now?
ETA: as always, can't post without editting...
Posted by: Janie Jones Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:54 pm
I liked him before he was popular.
Meh, everyone says that now to try and get some indie cred, who are you, Simon Peter? It's completely irrelevant who was into him first. Of course, I was personally introduced by John the Baptist, but that totally doesn't matter, which is why I'm mentioning it here.
Anyway, everyone knows that he wasn't really that great until his big comeback.
Posted by: biakbiak Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:55 pm
The only reason he is famous is because of his dad.
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:55 pm
I'm a fan. Love him. Do I have to turn him my Ft card now?
Yes, obviously this isn't the site for you.
Posted by: tangerine Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:56 pm
Jesus is sitting at the right hand of God.
I hate how he always lords this over the rest of us. I mean, so he works with his father, big deal. He's only there because of nepotism.
Oh, and his mother? Totally not a virgin. Email me for details.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:56 pm
I also hear he’s Jewish but he hides his ethnicity with that Spanish stage name.
You know, I'm sick of our ethnic celebs constantly WASP-ifying themselves for the general public. Jesus is always pushing this blond and blue-eyed look in all his publicity photos. I wonder if his publicist told him to do that. Be proud of your ethnicity, J.C.!
Posted by: callavere Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:57 pm
Complete and utter bitch. Also, eats babies. "Let the little children come unto me....so I can start eating."
Posted by: baggylettuce Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:57 pm
biakbiak, I love you.
His friend Mary Magdalene was a total whore, IMO. Oh, wait...
Posted by: araab Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:57 pm
Best. Savior. Ever.
Posted by: Dwanollah Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:58 pm
He's a'ight, but not as pure and good and innocent as Michael Jackson, though.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:59 pm
Eh, Buddha was better. And he wasn't such a drama queen about it either.
ETA I meant better than Jesus. Obviously not better than Michael Jackson.
Posted by: Armchair Critic Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:59 pm
oops
Posted by: Gwendy Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:59 pm
His friend Mary Magdalene was a total whore, IMO. Oh, wait...
Ummm, yeah...that's just an urban legend, you misogynist!
Posted by: dr gailey Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:00 pm
I am so going to hell with gasoline drawers on for laughing at this thread. Jesus forgive me.
Posted by: Blow Monkey Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:01 pm
I'm all about the Jesus-Judas HoYay. That's hot!
Posted by: Van GoGo Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:02 pm
The whole sex tape fiasco was totally lame. You know he put it out himself.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:02 pm
Mary Magdalene was his BabyMomma. Didn't y'all read The Da Vinci Code?
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:05 pm
I heard from a friend of a friend of a friend that Jesus was the reason Baby Girl broke up with Abe Vigoda. You know it's true.
Posted by: Margo Channing Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:08 pm
He is so my celebrity boyfriend. I want to have his crucified little babies.
Posted by: Kaylee Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:08 pm
Where have you guys been? He was already replaced by Clay Aiken.
Posted by: riotgirl7284 Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:08 pm
The only reason he is famous is because of his dad.
Jesus was his dad's sex toy. Get over it.
Posted by: pinklady Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:08 pm
His talk show on South Park was the greatest.
Posted by: Sleestak Hunter Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:08 pm
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:10 pm
OMG!!! Those Olsen twins are SUCH WHORES!@@@!!
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:10 pm
Oh Jesus, no! I've lost all respect for him. J.C., you are so not keeping it real. Just wait, he'll be snorting coke off of Paris Hilton's ass next.
Regarding the sex tape, when Jesus comes, does he scream out his own name?
Posted by: syve Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:10 pm
His skin is worse then Brandine's.
Posted by: Kaylee Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:13 pm
I heard he's next in line to marry J.Lo.
Posted by: GreenMary Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:13 pm
Uum... you guys are so wrong. One of my friends knows him, and tells me all these rumours are false.
ETA: The sex tape? So not him...
Posted by: Janie Jones Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:14 pm
I read an interview with him once where he said
I am the way, the truth, and the life.
How self-centred can you be?
Posted by: Dwanollah Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:15 pm
But he had tears in his eyes when he said it!
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:16 pm
How self-centred can you be?
Wordy McWordenburg!! He needs to get over himself because he just ain't all that. Plus he has a wonky eye and needs to eat a sammich....or two.
Posted by: Peepers Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:16 pm
I can't respect someone who doesn't like goats. Bastard.
Posted by: Hollywood Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:17 pm
"I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but by Me." - JOHN 14:16
I would remember that.
Posted by: BelloftheBall Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:17 pm
Cokehead
Posted by: GreenMary Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:18 pm
I can't respect someone who doesn't like goats. Bastard. [/quote]
Oh?!? Do tell!!!
Posted by: Emiliana Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:20 pm
I heard that he used to be such a whiny fella. Everything made baby Jesus cry.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:22 pm
Well, being a child star is really hard. Just ask Michael Jackson.
Posted by: Slash Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:23 pm
I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but by Me." - JOHN 14:16
Smug bastard! That so belongs in Celebrity Dumb Quotes
Posted by: AltoidsAddict Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:24 pm
I heard from my boyfriend's sister's best friend who's a waitress that he went to this restaurant with all of his posse (apostles... give me a fucking break, if P. Diddy can't get away with that shit Thaa J.C. sure as hell can't) and they stayed there long after closing hours. Then, like the servers don't have enough to do, they fucking take a bowl of water and he starts washing their feet!!!! Hellooooo, we have health codes for a reason!
Didn't tip, either. Bastards.
Oh, and then, on the way out they threw out that stanky-ass bowl of water right onto the sidewalk, and Liz Patterson slipped on it and dislocated her knee.
Posted by: Kaylee Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:24 pm
Also, Paris made him change his number.
Posted by: Blow Monkey Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:26 pm
Is it like cannibalism if he eats a baguette?
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:27 pm
OMG, you guys! I just ran into Jesus while bowling at Chelsea Piers. He was hanging out with 2 other guys at lane 12 and they were drinking Pepsi and eating nachos. Anyway, long story short...my friend and I decided to go up and just say hi and see if the rumors about him being a jackass to his fans were true. Well, guess what?!? He was a TOTAL sweetie! We talked for like 5 minutes about, like, whatever...I don't even remember, it was so exciting. He shared his nachos with us and then told us to "Go in peace"! OMG!! So yeah...I'm totally taking back everything bad I ever said about Jesus. He's really super nice and treats his fans with respect. He's the best.
Posted by: syve Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:28 pm
Then, like the servers don't have enough to do, they fucking take a bowl of water and he starts washing their feet!!!! Hellooooo, we have health codes for a reason!
I heard that story too. But it gets worse. The bastard turned the first bowl of water into wine. Too cheap to pay for some fucking drinks so they go and make there own. That's how the restaurants make their money, jerk.
Posted by: Peepers Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:30 pm
GreenMary, here's the short version from http://bibletools.org/index.cfm/fuseaction/Library.show/CT/ARTC/k/574 website:
God uses the goat to symbolize evil in numerous instances in the Bible. In Zechariah 10:3 (KJV) He says He will punish the goats. In Matthew 25:31-46 Christ's Parable of the Sheep and the Goats tells of His return and of judging the nations. In verse 33 He says, "And He [Christ] will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left." The sheep are then given eternal life, but the goats are cast into the Lake of Fire. It should be abundantly clear from this section of Scripture that we want the attributes of sheep and not those of goats!
And this:
I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but by Me. - JOHN 14:16
It doesn't get any lower than serving as a pimp for your own father. Damn, Jesus. Damn.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:32 pm
Jesus is like, so in Hollywood circles. He's on everyone's speed dial, everyone thanks him in their award speeches, he's like a freakin' miracle worker. He's had like, jacuzzi strategy sessions with more stars than anybody. Well, not as many as Elron Hubbard, obviously, but Hay-Seuss comes a very close second.
Posted by: Van GoGo Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:34 pm
I'm totally sick of him and his Pussy Posse. While he's turning water into wine, I hope he can turn herpes into not-herpes.
Posted by: baggylettuce Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:34 pm
I hate Barabbas. He ruined Jesus' life, the bastard.
Posted by: Young Mr. Grace Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:34 pm
Pssh. Jesus. You know he only took off for three days for the publicity, so everyone'd be all, "Where's Jesus?!" Famewhore.
I don't know where he gets off being so sanctimonious -- I hear his mom TOTALLY lied about his paternity. Tricked Joseph into a relationship by getting pregnant. Cheating man-hopper.
Omigod, did you guys hear he's going to release an album?
Posted by: Sleestak Hunter Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:35 pm
Posted by: Dwanollah Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:36 pm
And he's designing a new line of street-style fashions.
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:36 pm
Guys, Defamer.com is reporting that Jesus has been spotted at the Celebrity Center in LA. He's a clam, y'all!!!
Posted by: Bob Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:37 pm
Jesus loves me
This I know
For the Bible tells me so
Or was it Michael Jackson?
Seriously though, I heard he only got where he did because of his dad. Or was that George Bush?
Posted by: Sleestak Hunter Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:41 pm
Jesus saves souls... and redeems them for valuable prizes!
Posted by: Gwendy Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:41 pm
I don't know how to love him. Which is ironic (don't you think?) because I've had so many men before in very many ways.
Posted by: Van GoGo Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:42 pm
Omigod, did you guys hear he's going to release an album?
He's been working on Chinese Democracy for two thousand years, it's not going to happen.
Posted by: Naffy Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:42 pm
Jesus is like, so in Hollywood circles.
Dude, OLD NEWS! Everybody knows Jonathan Cheban is the new Messiah.
Posted by: syve Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:44 pm
He's way better then the alternatives though. I mean The Holy Spirit? Is shacking up with anyone who asks. And Godis all "Worship Me! Obey Me" then smite, smite, smite.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:45 pm
My mom told me that Jesus cries when I touch myself. But why is he even watching? Pervert.
Posted by: wilderness Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:45 pm
What did he ever see in Mary Magdalene. She has fat knees. The only reason she wore those long skirts was to hide her fat, dimply, knees. But Jesus is Middle Eastern, right? I've heard those guys like fat girls, like Kathy Bates or Mischa Barton. So there's that.
Or do Middle Eastern guys have foot fetishes? I forget. That would explain the foot washing. Gross IMO.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:47 pm
And Godis all "Worship Me! Obey Me" then smite, smite, smite.
God is such a butch top. I heard Jesus is more of a bottom, though. Or at least that's what my friend who had a one night stand with him told me. And also he loves being whipped.
I'm officially going to hell.
Posted by: Slash Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:53 pm
I've heard occaasionally he likes to light his own farts.
Jesus, we expected better.
Signed
Forever disapointed ):
Posted by: Bianca Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:58 pm
So, does anyone believe these rumors about Jesus and Jennifer Aniston?
Posted by: syve Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:01 pm
Nah, she's just his beard.
He's with Elijah Wood now. He told me so through his clothes.
Posted by: baggylettuce Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:02 pm
All I have to say on the subject is, Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously.
Posted by: EvilHermit Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:06 pm
He's going to host SNL. Musical guests 50 Cent and The Game, 'cause they made up y'all and Jesus, of course, took total credit for that and now they're like singing for him. Gawd, whatEVAH, Jesus, you don't solve every problem in existence.
Posted by: Sleestak Hunter Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:07 pm
He's with Elijah Wood now. He told me so through his clothes.
What clothes?! Dude's got ONE robe fer cryin out loud.
Posted by: KatieGirl Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:07 pm
...not dead?
Posted by: baggylettuce Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:08 pm
He's going to host SNL.
C'mon, you know he'll run out halfway through, after doing a hoedown.
Posted by: Sleestak Hunter Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:08 pm
aaaand KatieGirl wins it!
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:10 pm
I'm so sick of celebs and their lame excuses. Acid reflux, back pain, "exhaustion", being nailed to a cross. Whatever.
Posted by: Topher Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:13 pm
I know I shouldn't but...
I heard he was going to go to college, but he got nailed on his boards.
Posted by: tipsygrrl Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:14 pm
So, does anyone believe these rumors about Jesus and Jennifer Aniston?
Oh, now see the way I heard it was he broke up Brad and Jen because he was running around with Brad...until Brad caught him giving Harvey Weinstein a blowjob and dumped him. It was short-lived but hot.
Posted by: Skyblade Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:16 pm
Chronic DUI. Whenever he gets pulled over, his blood tests are off the chart. Put him in rehab? No good, he always has a supply. Don't know where he keeps getting it from.
Posted by: Moodeln Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:16 pm
I heard he tossed Johnny Knoxville's salad on the set of Dukes using only the power of prayer.
Posted by: Slash Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:20 pm
Oh, now see the way I heard it was he broke up Brad and Jen because he was running around with Brad...until Brad caught him giving Harvey Weinstein a blowjob and dumped him. It was short-lived but hot.
:gasp: So wait, you're saying Jesus was screwing around on Judas? Oh the humanity.
Posted by: Dwanollah Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:20 pm
If anyone shows up with a scrot shot, I swear... *shaking fist*
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:24 pm
Oh, now see the way I heard it was he broke up Brad and Jen because he was running around with Brad
Actually, Brad was just pestering Jesus to get his dad to knock up Jennifer.
Okay, that one was pretty lame. Sorry.
Posted by: syve Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:28 pm
If anyone shows up with a scrot shot, I swear... *shaking fist*
Please may no one take that as a challange. And it they do, go to the endowments thread. Please.
Posted by: tangerine Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:32 pm
He nice, the Jesus.
Posted by: Haute Corsette Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:32 pm
He wore the most awesome sandals. I think they were Candies.
Posted by: Diane Court Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:33 pm
I was having a Pornucopia:Going Down in the Valley viewing party, and I was like, "Hey, J-Man, bring the liquor." And he was like, "Sure, right after I do some miracles, I'm there." So, the bearded ass comes, and only brings water. So I'm like, "Hey Christ, forgetful much!?" and then gets all Supreme Being on my ass, waves his hand over the keg, and vio-fucking-la, we have wine. I said, "You know what, I spent like over $35 on Cheetos, salsa and plastic cups, and then you get all cheap and bring some wine-water from the tap?" He muttered something saving some kid with meningitis from Akron, and I'm like "Blah, blah, blah . . ."
And now the thing--Jesus totally looks Michael Vartan. Who knew?
Posted by: CagedRage Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:34 pm
He nice, the Jesus.
He have long hair, the Jesus. He die one day on two morsels of lumber. He go to the sky to live with your father. And the rabbit, he bring of the chocolate.
Posted by: Moodeln Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:37 pm
bstewart totally checked him out in a bathhouse this one time. We should ask him about the Son of God Scrote.
Posted by: Sleestak Hunter Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:37 pm
He wore the most awesome sandals. I think they were Candies.
Yeah, but they really did no favors for his cankles.
Posted by: Haute Corsette Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:40 pm
Yeah, but they really did no favors for his cankles.
True. But His ass was fantastic...
Posted by: Young Mr. Grace Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:41 pm
He have long hair, the Jesus. He die one day on two morsels of lumber. He go to the sky to live with your father.
. . . and now he dead from coke.
Posted by: tipsygrrl Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:43 pm
Mary Magdelene is a whore and she's not good enough for him. Plus she's ugly. Hideously deformed.
I wish the baby name thread had been around earlier, we could have warned Mary what a played out name Jesus was.
eta Magdelene not Madeline
Posted by: DrZbornak Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:44 pm
Who? Is he that gay dude who married Star Jones?
Posted by: syve Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:50 pm
No, he's the one always asking "What would Clay do?"
Posted by: DwaynefromMaine Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:54 pm
DON'T FUCK WITH THE JESUS!
He'll take your piece away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger till it goes cleeeeeck.
Posted by: Falafeloloofah Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:01 pm
I heard he was a black dude, and he busted the mad phat rhymes.
Posted by: BelloftheBall Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:04 pm
I heard he stole Rosie's yellow .....
Love him.
Posted by: Maura Mellon Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:05 pm
He loves you, y'know.
Posted by: baggylettuce Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:07 pm
I heard he had passion.
Posted by: GreenMary Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:08 pm
Do you think He's reading this?
Posted by: anna karina Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:10 pm
Nigga owes me twelve bucks.
Posted by: Prying Pandora Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:13 pm
Why did I only discover this thread days before FT is closing?
I want to add to the blasphemy but I think anna karina just killed it and I loathe to follow her act.
Posted by: FellowWaitress Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:13 pm
Um, I read this interview where He told people to eat his body and drink his blood.
That's so cool. Jesus was so cool.
[OT] Anyone who eats meat nowadayze is an insensitive, murdering bastard, and not only is this site not for you, neither is life. [/OT] [/small voice]
I totally want his PR people. Gets himself and a bunch of his fans killed, rejects the bling, and still totally has this massive following. Plus, he totally brought back strappy sandals, which are perfect for emphasizing the ankle and drawing attention away from fat knees. FAT KNEES MAKE THE BABY JESUS CRY. (TM someone brilli4nt!!11!!!on1e!!)
Posted by: quickychick Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:13 pm
After a shit day, seeing "Jesus" at the top of the Celebrity Forum has made my year.
JESUS SAVES! Often, just in case of disk failure.
Posted by: Van GoGo Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:14 pm
He was a Steeltown girl on a Saturday night, looking for the fight of his life.
Posted by: Falafeloloofah Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:16 pm
His public access show in South Park rocks.
Posted by: syve Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:18 pm
Does anyone else think he is a bit of a stalker? I mean "I am with you always" Next he'll be writing shitty poetry to show how "deep" he is.
Posted by: nikita Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:18 pm
He has wonky boobs.
Posted by: Dwanollah Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:20 pm
Jesus fed him bread.
Judas betrayed with a kiss.
Totally HoYay!
Careful with white robes.
Bring me some stain remover!
Stigmata sucks, man
Posted by: anna karina Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:21 pm
I want to add to the blasphemy but I think anna karina just killed it and I loathe to follow her act
It's from Dogma. Chris Rock plays one of the apostles.
"You knew Jesus?
"Knew him? Shit . . . Nigga owed me twelve bucks."
I love Jesus.
Posted by: pulsating brain Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:22 pm
Ugh, I am so sick of hearing about how great Jesuck is all the time. I hear he totally faked all his miracles, and he was sleeping with all his disciples, which is why Judas turned him over -- he got sick of the cheating.
Anyway, now Dubya is talking about him all the time. That man is so dumb...at the risk of getting off-topic (sorry!), let's discuss that for a while.
Posted by: CherryChapstick Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:32 pm
So, does anyone believe these rumors about Jesus and Jennifer Aniston?
Oh, now see the way I heard it was he broke up Brad and Jen because he was running around with Brad...until Brad caught him giving Harvey Weinstein a blowjob and dumped him. It was short-lived but hot.
Dude, that is nothing compared to Jesus and [Big Gay] Al Reynolds. It was minty!
Sometimes I doubt Jesus' commitment to Sparkle Motion.
Diet Coke, all over the keyboard.
Posted by: Dwanollah Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:34 pm
Low-class crooks, lawyers
JC rollin' wit' homies
Plus one lucky whore
Paris checks Sidekick:
Dial 1-800-Jesus!
No topless pics, though
"Father, forgive them"
"In rememberence of me"
"Shit, Bush is stupid!"
Stah, a Jesus fan?
Back off, shrill, wig-clad hag; 'sides,
Jesus's weave rocks!
Sandals, beard, long robe,
Plus obscure words of wisdom.
Jesus or hippie?
Posted by: StillMeCholo Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:35 pm
Nothing to see here, keep moving.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:37 pm
Is it true that he and Mel Gibson clashed on the set of The Passion of the Christ? Though I really didn't like him in that movie. I mean he was pretty hot in the beginning, but way too bloody at the end. I liked him much better in Jesus Christ Superstar. He had such a nice singing voice.
Posted by: syve Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:39 pm
And he was much better then that Joseph with his fancy coat.
Posted by: peggytheninja Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:40 pm
Did I ever tell you about the time Jesus took me out to go get a drink with him?
Anyways, we go off lookin' for a bar and we can't find one. Finally, Jesus takes me into a vacant lot and says, "Here we are!" Well, we sat there for a year and a half. Sure enough, someone constructed a bar around us! ....P. J. McGinty's!
That's right, that's right! Well, the day they opened it, we ordered a shot, drank it and then burnt the place to the ground. Jesus yelled over the roar of the flames, "Always leave things the way you found them!"
I remember one time Jesus took his family to Sea World--they were watching Shamu the whale when Jesus got splashed!
So Jesus yells, "I'm Jesus Christ and no one gets me wet!" So he climbs into the tank, grabs Shamu and throws the whale into the audience, splashes him and yells, "How do you like it?!" And then damn if Jesus didn't step in there and finish the show!
Posted by: molly theresa Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:51 pm
Nepotism at it's best, clearly.
Honestly, I'm still pissed at him for starting that whole cross necklace thing. Sooo played out.
I hear PETA's pissed at him for his promotion of Passover sacrifices and leather sandles. That would make me like most slebs, but most of his fans rub me the wrong way.
Posted by: granted Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:58 pm
Honestly, I'm still pissed at him for starting that whole cross necklace thing. Sooo played out.
Yeah, and then Us Weekly just had a picture of him wearing a Kabballah bracelet...what a fucking poseur.
Posted by: janelane Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:21 pm
Ooh~ sleb sighting!
I saw him walk out of the Vitamin Shoppe yesterday and he gave me the "Buddy Christ"~ I always thought it was a gimmick and he never actually did it, but turns out...!
Posted by: criss the bloke Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:28 pm
I heard he went a little crazy at the bowling alley the other day:
What's this day of rest shit? What's this bullshit? I don't fuckin' care! It don't matter to Jesus. But you're not foolin' me, man. You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man - ha ha! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!
Posted by: QuicheSan Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:36 pm
Jesus gets more posts than Hoobastank (none)? And it was good.
Posted by: joy disaster Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:41 pm
Is he the one who had sex with Benicio standing in an elevator? At the Oscars?
Posted by: Fiammetta Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:48 pm
No, that was me.
Posted by: beniciosgal Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:51 pm
I heard they were making love in the elevator. Or making out. Or something. Either way, it was insanitary.
Posted by: Wino Forever Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:52 pm
I love how Mary Magdalene was all over him at the Oscars last week. Like he would ever go out with her; she's such a whore! He is much too good for her.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:53 pm
He is so hot. I want Jesus in me. I'd take him home and strap him on a bondage plank if that's his thing.
Posted by: Gwendy Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:55 pm
Well, Crazy MJ has the Jesus Juice. At least it's somethin, Meenbean.
Posted by: brautigiggle Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:59 pm
still dead?
Posted by: radguurl Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:08 pm
Damn, I thought Jesus was my homeboy, not any of yours.
Posted by: SpazzyMcGee Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:11 pm
I want Jesus in me.
Oh, please. Like he'd even know where to put it. The man is thirty years old and he still believes his Mom's a virgin. Immaculate conception, my ass. Couldn't they just have told the kid he was premature or something? Dumbasses, the lot of them.
Posted by: vegasbaby Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:11 pm
I hear he's making a comeback. If anyone can revive a dead career, it's Jesus. If we're nice, maybe he'll save rock and roll this time around.
Posted by: brautigiggle Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:12 pm
He's 33, leave him alone.
Posted by: Bianca Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:21 pm
Jesus and I use to post on the same message board about Angels and Demons back in the day. My fellow posters and I use to call him hydraJesus behind his back because it was so obvious that he was also posting as TheFather, TheSon and TheHolyGhost. He use to start tons of pointless threads about Demons who dated D-list Angels and was always using one of his other user names to quote and word his own posts. It was quite sad really.
Posted by: donna wk Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:24 pm
Didn't he break up koRn or something? Always stirring up shit, that one.
Posted by: Miss Pandora Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:26 pm
No, that was Creed.
Posted by: klarock Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:33 pm
He's my homeboy.
Posted by: Colette Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:36 pm
Have you seen the hair? Total Eurotrash.
Posted by: TamaraDixon Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:41 pm
3 words: Socks. And. Sandals.
So 1970's.
And... I hear he kicks the back of seats in movie theatres and totally ignores the buffer seat rule.
Posted by: XanterraGirl Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:44 pm
If he'd bathe, he'd get laid.
Posted by: CherryChapstick Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:47 pm
I want Jesus in me.
Bitch Please. I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus, I want to feel his salvation all over my face. Whenever I see Jesus up on that cross. I can't help but think that he looks kinda hot.
Yes, I do watch too much South Park. What's it to you?
Posted by: Young Mr. Grace Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:52 pm
Slut! Whore! I mean, really. 12 disciples? Can't tell me he wasn't hittin' that. Two a day. Except on Fridays.
Posted by: Ricola Mar 11, 2005 @ 12:04 am
Never mind.
Posted by: CherryChapstick Mar 11, 2005 @ 12:05 am
Even on the Sabbath? HOOR!
Posted by: quickychick Mar 11, 2005 @ 12:24 am
I bump for Jesus.
Posted by: Moodeln Mar 11, 2005 @ 12:30 am
...cause you know Jesus is bumpin' you.
You SLUT.
Posted by: quickychick Mar 11, 2005 @ 12:33 am
That's Ho for Heysoose to you.
Posted by: baggylettuce Mar 11, 2005 @ 12:34 am
quickychick, there was no need for a bump. The thread would have resurrected in a few days anyway.
Powered by Invision Power Board (http://www.invisionboard.com)
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On the Inside Higher Ed website, this article talked about blogging in Iran. In response to reading many Arabic weblogs, author Seyyed Reza Shokrollahi published his reaction, The Vulgar Spirit of Blogging": On Language, Culture, and Power in Persian Weblogestan. Like many in the West, he sees the online world as a tempest that is erasing remaining cultural niceties and opening up the whole world to barbarians with computers and bandwidth. True enough. But the article quotes an unnamed blogger as saying...
“Keep mistaking this place as a literary conference when others consider it to be an informal and safe place for chatting. Come sit down wearing a suit and tie and mock those who are wearing jeans.”
But only at this time of the internet could vulgarity be so damn entertaining. Courtesy of Dwanollah, the joy of Fametracker :: The Farmer's Almanac of Celebrity Worth is now mine. Embracing the profane and the vulgar was this member's board discussion on Jesus. It starts with the comment and invitation, "I heard he hung around with prostitutes. Discuss." The discussion board is no longer available, but the postings were archived by someone else who loved it (which is why I copied the entire text, see the end of this article), and the ephemeral nature of the internet may mean this bit of crowd-generated profanity goes away for good. But the very fact that a whole collection of strangers meet in one place and wrote some of the best humor I have read in a long time just reaffirms that my optimism about most things is well placed.
So, I will try write well, write for laughs and write somewhat often. I'll be the one wearing a t-shirt and dress jacket when ever I do.
***********************************************************************************************
And now for the blasphemy. . .
Printable Version of Topic
Click here to view this topic in its original format
FT Forums > Celebrities > Jesus
Posted by: Dr K Noisewater Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:36 pm
I heard he hung around with prostitutes. Discuss.
Posted by: Evan Ness Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:36 pm
Oh, JESUS.
Posted by: CagedRage Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:37 pm
This guy ROCKED. Walked on water and liked the wine. He was far out.
Posted by: Sleestak Hunter Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:37 pm
He was so cool in The Bible. It gets a little slow in the middle but the end is really intense. "I am the Alpha & the Omega!" (shudder) Still gives me chills.
Posted by: Bianca Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:37 pm
Total famewhore.
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:37 pm
Biggest.Famewhore.Ever.
Posted by: CagedRage Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:37 pm
And I liked how they left the ending kinda open for a sequel.
Posted by: Gwendy Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:38 pm
Gay.
Posted by: riotgirl7284 Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:38 pm
I'm so sick of Jesus being shoved down my throat all the time. Every time I go to church or open my bible, or even listen to Christian radio, I hear about Jesus and how great he is. I can't take it anymore! What a famewhore.
Posted by: Opus Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:39 pm
Did anyone see him on Jimmy Kimmel or Sharon Osbourne's show? What was he like?
Posted by: CagedRage Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:40 pm
I hear he's pissed because Mel Gibson didn't consult him when he made The Passion.
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:40 pm
Word, riotgirl7284. Can't I just pray in peace without Jesus always breathing down my neck??
Posted by: bellyache Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:40 pm
Really?
Posted by: CagedRage Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:43 pm
I also hear he’s Jewish but he hides his ethnicity with that Spanish stage name.
Posted by: Naffy Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:43 pm
Leave him alone, http://www.carm.org/questions/Jesus_age.htm. Forever.
Posted by: Janie Jones Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:43 pm
I hear the apostles have a beef with this rival crew led by these dudes called Pilate and Herod. And the dude's got a temper. He smashed up the moneylenders' booths at the temple and shit. Total aggression issues. Except then in interviews he goes on and on about peace and love. I think he smokes a lot of pot.
And my reliable insider sources (I'm a friend of a friend of the Virgin Mary's cousin once removed, and she heard it straight from the Holy Spirit) tell me that he's going to dump that Mary Magdalene ho (who is a total gold digging famewhore) and go for J.Lo. He's been sending her frankincense and everything.
Posted by: baggylettuce Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:44 pm
Sometimes I doubt Jesus' commitment to Sparkle Motion.
Posted by: Blow Monkey Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:44 pm
JESUS WILL NOT TAP DANCE FOR YOU!!!
Posted by: Falafeloloofah Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:47 pm
You know he was never married.
Because nobody disappears for three fucking days and gets away with it.
Jesus comes home, walks into the kitchen. There's all this shit in the yard, the cross, etc.
"Where have you been?"
Jesus: "I was dead."
"Dead, huh? Why didn't you call? Where's those twelve losers who won't get a job?
"They're my disciples, honey! They're not losers!!"
"They're losers!"
I was dead honey, I learned to reanimate dead tissue into life and cross back into the mortal realm! Oh, I'm sorry, next time I die I'll call first, you fucking bitch!!! Auuuuuuugh!!!"
Posted by: queenbee Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:47 pm
I liked him before he was popular.
Posted by: Dwanollah Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:48 pm
Heck, I was into Jesus when he was still underground.
Posted by: Evan Ness Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:48 pm
I also hear he’s Jewish but he hides his ethnicity with that Spanish stage name.
I'm so sick of people saying that I have to support him because I'm a Latina. First of all, I'm not a Latina, but more importantly, there are lots of famous Latinas that I can look up to that won't make any controversial stands. Conchita Farrell, for instance.
Posted by: bellyache Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:49 pm
Jesus father impregnated my friend.
Posted by: Slash Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:49 pm
Sort of cute. A little too hairy for my tastes though. YMMV.
Posted by: Naffy Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:51 pm
There are pics in the Celebrity Endowments thread. Nice, if you're into cut guys.
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:51 pm
Whatever, guys...it's obvious you are all just jealous that Jesus is sitting at the right hand of God. Haters, the lot of you! Get a life.
[ot] Anyway, I'm gonna link my Amazon wishlist here. I totally want a Roomba, so please, someone buy it for me. Thanks. [/ot]
Posted by: lisacurl Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:52 pm
Want to touch the hiney.
Posted by: GreenMary Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:54 pm
OMG. Is noone sacred anymore?...
I'm a fan. Love him. Do I have to turn in my Ft card now?
ETA: as always, can't post without editting...
Posted by: Janie Jones Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:54 pm
I liked him before he was popular.
Meh, everyone says that now to try and get some indie cred, who are you, Simon Peter? It's completely irrelevant who was into him first. Of course, I was personally introduced by John the Baptist, but that totally doesn't matter, which is why I'm mentioning it here.
Anyway, everyone knows that he wasn't really that great until his big comeback.
Posted by: biakbiak Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:55 pm
The only reason he is famous is because of his dad.
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:55 pm
I'm a fan. Love him. Do I have to turn him my Ft card now?
Yes, obviously this isn't the site for you.
Posted by: tangerine Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:56 pm
Jesus is sitting at the right hand of God.
I hate how he always lords this over the rest of us. I mean, so he works with his father, big deal. He's only there because of nepotism.
Oh, and his mother? Totally not a virgin. Email me for details.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:56 pm
I also hear he’s Jewish but he hides his ethnicity with that Spanish stage name.
You know, I'm sick of our ethnic celebs constantly WASP-ifying themselves for the general public. Jesus is always pushing this blond and blue-eyed look in all his publicity photos. I wonder if his publicist told him to do that. Be proud of your ethnicity, J.C.!
Posted by: callavere Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:57 pm
Complete and utter bitch. Also, eats babies. "Let the little children come unto me....so I can start eating."
Posted by: baggylettuce Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:57 pm
biakbiak, I love you.
His friend Mary Magdalene was a total whore, IMO. Oh, wait...
Posted by: araab Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:57 pm
Best. Savior. Ever.
Posted by: Dwanollah Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:58 pm
He's a'ight, but not as pure and good and innocent as Michael Jackson, though.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:59 pm
Eh, Buddha was better. And he wasn't such a drama queen about it either.
ETA I meant better than Jesus. Obviously not better than Michael Jackson.
Posted by: Armchair Critic Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:59 pm
oops
Posted by: Gwendy Mar 10, 2005 @ 6:59 pm
His friend Mary Magdalene was a total whore, IMO. Oh, wait...
Ummm, yeah...that's just an urban legend, you misogynist!
Posted by: dr gailey Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:00 pm
I am so going to hell with gasoline drawers on for laughing at this thread. Jesus forgive me.
Posted by: Blow Monkey Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:01 pm
I'm all about the Jesus-Judas HoYay. That's hot!
Posted by: Van GoGo Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:02 pm
The whole sex tape fiasco was totally lame. You know he put it out himself.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:02 pm
Mary Magdalene was his BabyMomma. Didn't y'all read The Da Vinci Code?
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:05 pm
I heard from a friend of a friend of a friend that Jesus was the reason Baby Girl broke up with Abe Vigoda. You know it's true.
Posted by: Margo Channing Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:08 pm
He is so my celebrity boyfriend. I want to have his crucified little babies.
Posted by: Kaylee Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:08 pm
Where have you guys been? He was already replaced by Clay Aiken.
Posted by: riotgirl7284 Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:08 pm
The only reason he is famous is because of his dad.
Jesus was his dad's sex toy. Get over it.
Posted by: pinklady Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:08 pm
His talk show on South Park was the greatest.
Posted by: Sleestak Hunter Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:08 pm
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:10 pm
OMG!!! Those Olsen twins are SUCH WHORES!@@@!!
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:10 pm
Oh Jesus, no! I've lost all respect for him. J.C., you are so not keeping it real. Just wait, he'll be snorting coke off of Paris Hilton's ass next.
Regarding the sex tape, when Jesus comes, does he scream out his own name?
Posted by: syve Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:10 pm
His skin is worse then Brandine's.
Posted by: Kaylee Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:13 pm
I heard he's next in line to marry J.Lo.
Posted by: GreenMary Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:13 pm
Uum... you guys are so wrong. One of my friends knows him, and tells me all these rumours are false.
ETA: The sex tape? So not him...
Posted by: Janie Jones Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:14 pm
I read an interview with him once where he said
I am the way, the truth, and the life.
How self-centred can you be?
Posted by: Dwanollah Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:15 pm
But he had tears in his eyes when he said it!
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:16 pm
How self-centred can you be?
Wordy McWordenburg!! He needs to get over himself because he just ain't all that. Plus he has a wonky eye and needs to eat a sammich....or two.
Posted by: Peepers Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:16 pm
I can't respect someone who doesn't like goats. Bastard.
Posted by: Hollywood Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:17 pm
"I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but by Me." - JOHN 14:16
I would remember that.
Posted by: BelloftheBall Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:17 pm
Cokehead
Posted by: GreenMary Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:18 pm
I can't respect someone who doesn't like goats. Bastard. [/quote]
Oh?!? Do tell!!!
Posted by: Emiliana Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:20 pm
I heard that he used to be such a whiny fella. Everything made baby Jesus cry.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:22 pm
Well, being a child star is really hard. Just ask Michael Jackson.
Posted by: Slash Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:23 pm
I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but by Me." - JOHN 14:16
Smug bastard! That so belongs in Celebrity Dumb Quotes
Posted by: AltoidsAddict Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:24 pm
I heard from my boyfriend's sister's best friend who's a waitress that he went to this restaurant with all of his posse (apostles... give me a fucking break, if P. Diddy can't get away with that shit Thaa J.C. sure as hell can't) and they stayed there long after closing hours. Then, like the servers don't have enough to do, they fucking take a bowl of water and he starts washing their feet!!!! Hellooooo, we have health codes for a reason!
Didn't tip, either. Bastards.
Oh, and then, on the way out they threw out that stanky-ass bowl of water right onto the sidewalk, and Liz Patterson slipped on it and dislocated her knee.
Posted by: Kaylee Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:24 pm
Also, Paris made him change his number.
Posted by: Blow Monkey Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:26 pm
Is it like cannibalism if he eats a baguette?
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:27 pm
OMG, you guys! I just ran into Jesus while bowling at Chelsea Piers. He was hanging out with 2 other guys at lane 12 and they were drinking Pepsi and eating nachos. Anyway, long story short...my friend and I decided to go up and just say hi and see if the rumors about him being a jackass to his fans were true. Well, guess what?!? He was a TOTAL sweetie! We talked for like 5 minutes about, like, whatever...I don't even remember, it was so exciting. He shared his nachos with us and then told us to "Go in peace"! OMG!! So yeah...I'm totally taking back everything bad I ever said about Jesus. He's really super nice and treats his fans with respect. He's the best.
Posted by: syve Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:28 pm
Then, like the servers don't have enough to do, they fucking take a bowl of water and he starts washing their feet!!!! Hellooooo, we have health codes for a reason!
I heard that story too. But it gets worse. The bastard turned the first bowl of water into wine. Too cheap to pay for some fucking drinks so they go and make there own. That's how the restaurants make their money, jerk.
Posted by: Peepers Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:30 pm
GreenMary, here's the short version from http://bibletools.org/index.cfm/fuseaction/Library.show/CT/ARTC/k/574 website:
God uses the goat to symbolize evil in numerous instances in the Bible. In Zechariah 10:3 (KJV) He says He will punish the goats. In Matthew 25:31-46 Christ's Parable of the Sheep and the Goats tells of His return and of judging the nations. In verse 33 He says, "And He [Christ] will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left." The sheep are then given eternal life, but the goats are cast into the Lake of Fire. It should be abundantly clear from this section of Scripture that we want the attributes of sheep and not those of goats!
And this:
I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but by Me. - JOHN 14:16
It doesn't get any lower than serving as a pimp for your own father. Damn, Jesus. Damn.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:32 pm
Jesus is like, so in Hollywood circles. He's on everyone's speed dial, everyone thanks him in their award speeches, he's like a freakin' miracle worker. He's had like, jacuzzi strategy sessions with more stars than anybody. Well, not as many as Elron Hubbard, obviously, but Hay-Seuss comes a very close second.
Posted by: Van GoGo Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:34 pm
I'm totally sick of him and his Pussy Posse. While he's turning water into wine, I hope he can turn herpes into not-herpes.
Posted by: baggylettuce Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:34 pm
I hate Barabbas. He ruined Jesus' life, the bastard.
Posted by: Young Mr. Grace Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:34 pm
Pssh. Jesus. You know he only took off for three days for the publicity, so everyone'd be all, "Where's Jesus?!" Famewhore.
I don't know where he gets off being so sanctimonious -- I hear his mom TOTALLY lied about his paternity. Tricked Joseph into a relationship by getting pregnant. Cheating man-hopper.
Omigod, did you guys hear he's going to release an album?
Posted by: Sleestak Hunter Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:35 pm
Posted by: Dwanollah Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:36 pm
And he's designing a new line of street-style fashions.
Posted by: MiceNow Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:36 pm
Guys, Defamer.com is reporting that Jesus has been spotted at the Celebrity Center in LA. He's a clam, y'all!!!
Posted by: Bob Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:37 pm
Jesus loves me
This I know
For the Bible tells me so
Or was it Michael Jackson?
Seriously though, I heard he only got where he did because of his dad. Or was that George Bush?
Posted by: Sleestak Hunter Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:41 pm
Jesus saves souls... and redeems them for valuable prizes!
Posted by: Gwendy Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:41 pm
I don't know how to love him. Which is ironic (don't you think?) because I've had so many men before in very many ways.
Posted by: Van GoGo Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:42 pm
Omigod, did you guys hear he's going to release an album?
He's been working on Chinese Democracy for two thousand years, it's not going to happen.
Posted by: Naffy Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:42 pm
Jesus is like, so in Hollywood circles.
Dude, OLD NEWS! Everybody knows Jonathan Cheban is the new Messiah.
Posted by: syve Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:44 pm
He's way better then the alternatives though. I mean The Holy Spirit? Is shacking up with anyone who asks. And Godis all "Worship Me! Obey Me" then smite, smite, smite.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:45 pm
My mom told me that Jesus cries when I touch myself. But why is he even watching? Pervert.
Posted by: wilderness Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:45 pm
What did he ever see in Mary Magdalene. She has fat knees. The only reason she wore those long skirts was to hide her fat, dimply, knees. But Jesus is Middle Eastern, right? I've heard those guys like fat girls, like Kathy Bates or Mischa Barton. So there's that.
Or do Middle Eastern guys have foot fetishes? I forget. That would explain the foot washing. Gross IMO.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:47 pm
And Godis all "Worship Me! Obey Me" then smite, smite, smite.
God is such a butch top. I heard Jesus is more of a bottom, though. Or at least that's what my friend who had a one night stand with him told me. And also he loves being whipped.
I'm officially going to hell.
Posted by: Slash Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:53 pm
I've heard occaasionally he likes to light his own farts.
Jesus, we expected better.
Signed
Forever disapointed ):
Posted by: Bianca Mar 10, 2005 @ 7:58 pm
So, does anyone believe these rumors about Jesus and Jennifer Aniston?
Posted by: syve Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:01 pm
Nah, she's just his beard.
He's with Elijah Wood now. He told me so through his clothes.
Posted by: baggylettuce Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:02 pm
All I have to say on the subject is, Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously.
Posted by: EvilHermit Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:06 pm
He's going to host SNL. Musical guests 50 Cent and The Game, 'cause they made up y'all and Jesus, of course, took total credit for that and now they're like singing for him. Gawd, whatEVAH, Jesus, you don't solve every problem in existence.
Posted by: Sleestak Hunter Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:07 pm
He's with Elijah Wood now. He told me so through his clothes.
What clothes?! Dude's got ONE robe fer cryin out loud.
Posted by: KatieGirl Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:07 pm
...not dead?
Posted by: baggylettuce Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:08 pm
He's going to host SNL.
C'mon, you know he'll run out halfway through, after doing a hoedown.
Posted by: Sleestak Hunter Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:08 pm
aaaand KatieGirl wins it!
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:10 pm
I'm so sick of celebs and their lame excuses. Acid reflux, back pain, "exhaustion", being nailed to a cross. Whatever.
Posted by: Topher Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:13 pm
I know I shouldn't but...
I heard he was going to go to college, but he got nailed on his boards.
Posted by: tipsygrrl Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:14 pm
So, does anyone believe these rumors about Jesus and Jennifer Aniston?
Oh, now see the way I heard it was he broke up Brad and Jen because he was running around with Brad...until Brad caught him giving Harvey Weinstein a blowjob and dumped him. It was short-lived but hot.
Posted by: Skyblade Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:16 pm
Chronic DUI. Whenever he gets pulled over, his blood tests are off the chart. Put him in rehab? No good, he always has a supply. Don't know where he keeps getting it from.
Posted by: Moodeln Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:16 pm
I heard he tossed Johnny Knoxville's salad on the set of Dukes using only the power of prayer.
Posted by: Slash Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:20 pm
Oh, now see the way I heard it was he broke up Brad and Jen because he was running around with Brad...until Brad caught him giving Harvey Weinstein a blowjob and dumped him. It was short-lived but hot.
:gasp: So wait, you're saying Jesus was screwing around on Judas? Oh the humanity.
Posted by: Dwanollah Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:20 pm
If anyone shows up with a scrot shot, I swear... *shaking fist*
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:24 pm
Oh, now see the way I heard it was he broke up Brad and Jen because he was running around with Brad
Actually, Brad was just pestering Jesus to get his dad to knock up Jennifer.
Okay, that one was pretty lame. Sorry.
Posted by: syve Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:28 pm
If anyone shows up with a scrot shot, I swear... *shaking fist*
Please may no one take that as a challange. And it they do, go to the endowments thread. Please.
Posted by: tangerine Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:32 pm
He nice, the Jesus.
Posted by: Haute Corsette Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:32 pm
He wore the most awesome sandals. I think they were Candies.
Posted by: Diane Court Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:33 pm
I was having a Pornucopia:Going Down in the Valley viewing party, and I was like, "Hey, J-Man, bring the liquor." And he was like, "Sure, right after I do some miracles, I'm there." So, the bearded ass comes, and only brings water. So I'm like, "Hey Christ, forgetful much!?" and then gets all Supreme Being on my ass, waves his hand over the keg, and vio-fucking-la, we have wine. I said, "You know what, I spent like over $35 on Cheetos, salsa and plastic cups, and then you get all cheap and bring some wine-water from the tap?" He muttered something saving some kid with meningitis from Akron, and I'm like "Blah, blah, blah . . ."
And now the thing--Jesus totally looks Michael Vartan. Who knew?
Posted by: CagedRage Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:34 pm
He nice, the Jesus.
He have long hair, the Jesus. He die one day on two morsels of lumber. He go to the sky to live with your father. And the rabbit, he bring of the chocolate.
Posted by: Moodeln Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:37 pm
bstewart totally checked him out in a bathhouse this one time. We should ask him about the Son of God Scrote.
Posted by: Sleestak Hunter Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:37 pm
He wore the most awesome sandals. I think they were Candies.
Yeah, but they really did no favors for his cankles.
Posted by: Haute Corsette Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:40 pm
Yeah, but they really did no favors for his cankles.
True. But His ass was fantastic...
Posted by: Young Mr. Grace Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:41 pm
He have long hair, the Jesus. He die one day on two morsels of lumber. He go to the sky to live with your father.
. . . and now he dead from coke.
Posted by: tipsygrrl Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:43 pm
Mary Magdelene is a whore and she's not good enough for him. Plus she's ugly. Hideously deformed.
I wish the baby name thread had been around earlier, we could have warned Mary what a played out name Jesus was.
eta Magdelene not Madeline
Posted by: DrZbornak Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:44 pm
Who? Is he that gay dude who married Star Jones?
Posted by: syve Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:50 pm
No, he's the one always asking "What would Clay do?"
Posted by: DwaynefromMaine Mar 10, 2005 @ 8:54 pm
DON'T FUCK WITH THE JESUS!
He'll take your piece away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger till it goes cleeeeeck.
Posted by: Falafeloloofah Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:01 pm
I heard he was a black dude, and he busted the mad phat rhymes.
Posted by: BelloftheBall Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:04 pm
I heard he stole Rosie's yellow .....
Love him.
Posted by: Maura Mellon Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:05 pm
He loves you, y'know.
Posted by: baggylettuce Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:07 pm
I heard he had passion.
Posted by: GreenMary Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:08 pm
Do you think He's reading this?
Posted by: anna karina Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:10 pm
Nigga owes me twelve bucks.
Posted by: Prying Pandora Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:13 pm
Why did I only discover this thread days before FT is closing?
I want to add to the blasphemy but I think anna karina just killed it and I loathe to follow her act.
Posted by: FellowWaitress Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:13 pm
Um, I read this interview where He told people to eat his body and drink his blood.
That's so cool. Jesus was so cool.
[OT] Anyone who eats meat nowadayze is an insensitive, murdering bastard, and not only is this site not for you, neither is life. [/OT] [/small voice]
I totally want his PR people. Gets himself and a bunch of his fans killed, rejects the bling, and still totally has this massive following. Plus, he totally brought back strappy sandals, which are perfect for emphasizing the ankle and drawing attention away from fat knees. FAT KNEES MAKE THE BABY JESUS CRY. (TM someone brilli4nt!!11!!!on1e!!)
Posted by: quickychick Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:13 pm
After a shit day, seeing "Jesus" at the top of the Celebrity Forum has made my year.
JESUS SAVES! Often, just in case of disk failure.
Posted by: Van GoGo Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:14 pm
He was a Steeltown girl on a Saturday night, looking for the fight of his life.
Posted by: Falafeloloofah Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:16 pm
His public access show in South Park rocks.
Posted by: syve Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:18 pm
Does anyone else think he is a bit of a stalker? I mean "I am with you always" Next he'll be writing shitty poetry to show how "deep" he is.
Posted by: nikita Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:18 pm
He has wonky boobs.
Posted by: Dwanollah Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:20 pm
Jesus fed him bread.
Judas betrayed with a kiss.
Totally HoYay!
Careful with white robes.
Bring me some stain remover!
Stigmata sucks, man
Posted by: anna karina Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:21 pm
I want to add to the blasphemy but I think anna karina just killed it and I loathe to follow her act
It's from Dogma. Chris Rock plays one of the apostles.
"You knew Jesus?
"Knew him? Shit . . . Nigga owed me twelve bucks."
I love Jesus.
Posted by: pulsating brain Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:22 pm
Ugh, I am so sick of hearing about how great Jesuck is all the time. I hear he totally faked all his miracles, and he was sleeping with all his disciples, which is why Judas turned him over -- he got sick of the cheating.
Anyway, now Dubya is talking about him all the time. That man is so dumb...at the risk of getting off-topic (sorry!), let's discuss that for a while.
Posted by: CherryChapstick Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:32 pm
So, does anyone believe these rumors about Jesus and Jennifer Aniston?
Oh, now see the way I heard it was he broke up Brad and Jen because he was running around with Brad...until Brad caught him giving Harvey Weinstein a blowjob and dumped him. It was short-lived but hot.
Dude, that is nothing compared to Jesus and [Big Gay] Al Reynolds. It was minty!
Sometimes I doubt Jesus' commitment to Sparkle Motion.
Diet Coke, all over the keyboard.
Posted by: Dwanollah Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:34 pm
Low-class crooks, lawyers
JC rollin' wit' homies
Plus one lucky whore
Paris checks Sidekick:
Dial 1-800-Jesus!
No topless pics, though
"Father, forgive them"
"In rememberence of me"
"Shit, Bush is stupid!"
Stah, a Jesus fan?
Back off, shrill, wig-clad hag; 'sides,
Jesus's weave rocks!
Sandals, beard, long robe,
Plus obscure words of wisdom.
Jesus or hippie?
Posted by: StillMeCholo Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:35 pm
Nothing to see here, keep moving.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:37 pm
Is it true that he and Mel Gibson clashed on the set of The Passion of the Christ? Though I really didn't like him in that movie. I mean he was pretty hot in the beginning, but way too bloody at the end. I liked him much better in Jesus Christ Superstar. He had such a nice singing voice.
Posted by: syve Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:39 pm
And he was much better then that Joseph with his fancy coat.
Posted by: peggytheninja Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:40 pm
Did I ever tell you about the time Jesus took me out to go get a drink with him?
Anyways, we go off lookin' for a bar and we can't find one. Finally, Jesus takes me into a vacant lot and says, "Here we are!" Well, we sat there for a year and a half. Sure enough, someone constructed a bar around us! ....P. J. McGinty's!
That's right, that's right! Well, the day they opened it, we ordered a shot, drank it and then burnt the place to the ground. Jesus yelled over the roar of the flames, "Always leave things the way you found them!"
I remember one time Jesus took his family to Sea World--they were watching Shamu the whale when Jesus got splashed!
So Jesus yells, "I'm Jesus Christ and no one gets me wet!" So he climbs into the tank, grabs Shamu and throws the whale into the audience, splashes him and yells, "How do you like it?!" And then damn if Jesus didn't step in there and finish the show!
Posted by: molly theresa Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:51 pm
Nepotism at it's best, clearly.
Honestly, I'm still pissed at him for starting that whole cross necklace thing. Sooo played out.
I hear PETA's pissed at him for his promotion of Passover sacrifices and leather sandles. That would make me like most slebs, but most of his fans rub me the wrong way.
Posted by: granted Mar 10, 2005 @ 9:58 pm
Honestly, I'm still pissed at him for starting that whole cross necklace thing. Sooo played out.
Yeah, and then Us Weekly just had a picture of him wearing a Kabballah bracelet...what a fucking poseur.
Posted by: janelane Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:21 pm
Ooh~ sleb sighting!
I saw him walk out of the Vitamin Shoppe yesterday and he gave me the "Buddy Christ"~ I always thought it was a gimmick and he never actually did it, but turns out...!
Posted by: criss the bloke Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:28 pm
I heard he went a little crazy at the bowling alley the other day:
What's this day of rest shit? What's this bullshit? I don't fuckin' care! It don't matter to Jesus. But you're not foolin' me, man. You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man - ha ha! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!
Posted by: QuicheSan Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:36 pm
Jesus gets more posts than Hoobastank (none)? And it was good.
Posted by: joy disaster Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:41 pm
Is he the one who had sex with Benicio standing in an elevator? At the Oscars?
Posted by: Fiammetta Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:48 pm
No, that was me.
Posted by: beniciosgal Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:51 pm
I heard they were making love in the elevator. Or making out. Or something. Either way, it was insanitary.
Posted by: Wino Forever Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:52 pm
I love how Mary Magdalene was all over him at the Oscars last week. Like he would ever go out with her; she's such a whore! He is much too good for her.
Posted by: Meenbean Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:53 pm
He is so hot. I want Jesus in me. I'd take him home and strap him on a bondage plank if that's his thing.
Posted by: Gwendy Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:55 pm
Well, Crazy MJ has the Jesus Juice. At least it's somethin, Meenbean.
Posted by: brautigiggle Mar 10, 2005 @ 10:59 pm
still dead?
Posted by: radguurl Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:08 pm
Damn, I thought Jesus was my homeboy, not any of yours.
Posted by: SpazzyMcGee Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:11 pm
I want Jesus in me.
Oh, please. Like he'd even know where to put it. The man is thirty years old and he still believes his Mom's a virgin. Immaculate conception, my ass. Couldn't they just have told the kid he was premature or something? Dumbasses, the lot of them.
Posted by: vegasbaby Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:11 pm
I hear he's making a comeback. If anyone can revive a dead career, it's Jesus. If we're nice, maybe he'll save rock and roll this time around.
Posted by: brautigiggle Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:12 pm
He's 33, leave him alone.
Posted by: Bianca Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:21 pm
Jesus and I use to post on the same message board about Angels and Demons back in the day. My fellow posters and I use to call him hydraJesus behind his back because it was so obvious that he was also posting as TheFather, TheSon and TheHolyGhost. He use to start tons of pointless threads about Demons who dated D-list Angels and was always using one of his other user names to quote and word his own posts. It was quite sad really.
Posted by: donna wk Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:24 pm
Didn't he break up koRn or something? Always stirring up shit, that one.
Posted by: Miss Pandora Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:26 pm
No, that was Creed.
Posted by: klarock Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:33 pm
He's my homeboy.
Posted by: Colette Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:36 pm
Have you seen the hair? Total Eurotrash.
Posted by: TamaraDixon Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:41 pm
3 words: Socks. And. Sandals.
So 1970's.
And... I hear he kicks the back of seats in movie theatres and totally ignores the buffer seat rule.
Posted by: XanterraGirl Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:44 pm
If he'd bathe, he'd get laid.
Posted by: CherryChapstick Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:47 pm
I want Jesus in me.
Bitch Please. I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus, I want to feel his salvation all over my face. Whenever I see Jesus up on that cross. I can't help but think that he looks kinda hot.
Yes, I do watch too much South Park. What's it to you?
Posted by: Young Mr. Grace Mar 10, 2005 @ 11:52 pm
Slut! Whore! I mean, really. 12 disciples? Can't tell me he wasn't hittin' that. Two a day. Except on Fridays.
Posted by: Ricola Mar 11, 2005 @ 12:04 am
Never mind.
Posted by: CherryChapstick Mar 11, 2005 @ 12:05 am
Even on the Sabbath? HOOR!
Posted by: quickychick Mar 11, 2005 @ 12:24 am
I bump for Jesus.
Posted by: Moodeln Mar 11, 2005 @ 12:30 am
...cause you know Jesus is bumpin' you.
You SLUT.
Posted by: quickychick Mar 11, 2005 @ 12:33 am
That's Ho for Heysoose to you.
Posted by: baggylettuce Mar 11, 2005 @ 12:34 am
quickychick, there was no need for a bump. The thread would have resurrected in a few days anyway.
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